


Infinite Particles of the Divine Sun

by Topaz_Eyes



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Late Night Conversations, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Period Typical Attitudes, Yuletide, Yuletide 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:21:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21844342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topaz_Eyes/pseuds/Topaz_Eyes
Summary: Charlie offers to teach Knox something that doesn’t go as planned.
Relationships: Charlie Dalton/Knox Overstreet
Comments: 16
Kudos: 79
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Infinite Particles of the Divine Sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brampersandon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brampersandon/gifts).



> Written for brampersandon for Yuletide 2019. Title from “The Acts of Youth” by John Wieners. Happy Yuletide!

A few days after Knox called Chris and received an invitation to Chet Danburry’s party, Charlie poked his head into Knox’s open bedroom to find him sitting alone on his bed.

“Hey Knoxious, I need to borrow your chemistry notes –” Charlie began, then stopped when he noticed Knox’s slumped shoulders.

“Knox? What’s up?” he asked gently.

Knox looked up, his eyes suspiciously puffy. He looked like he hadn’t gotten any sleep in days. “I’m done for. My life is officially over.” He dropped his head in his hands.

Immediately concerned, Charlie closed the door behind him. He crossed the floor to squat in front of him on the bed, and steadied himself on Knox’s knee. “Of course it’s not. What’s going on?”

“I never should’ve called Chris,” Knox said, shaking his head with a tight, mirthless laugh. “Never. What was I thinking?”

“Oh come on, of course you should’ve called her. And you’re going to Chet’s party tomorrow night because you called her. _Carpe diem_ , right? You carped the diem.”

“It’s a co-ed party,” he said, clearly sounding like Charlie’s pep talk never even touched him.

“And?”

“Boys and girls, Charlie.”

“I thought that was the point of a co-ed party.”

At that, Knox finally looked up with a scowl. “Shut up, Dalton, I figured you wouldn’t get it.” He wrested himself away from Charlie and scooted backwards. Charlie lost his balance and tumbled onto the floor.

“Ouch,” Charlie muttered. But undeterred, he rose and sat on the edge of the bed. Knox glared at him.

“So Chris will be there, and you’ll be there –” Charlie pressed after a minute of no reply.

“And Chet will be there.”

“Just forget about Chet for now, okay?”

“And there’ll be kissing –” Knox trailed off and leaned his forehead against his knees.

Charlie thought quickly. Where was the problem –? Oh. _Oh._ He punched Knox’s arm.

Knox looked up at that. “Ow! You jerk, why’d you--”

“You’ve kissed a girl before, right?”

Knox drew his mouth into a thin line and refused to answer. Charlie nodded. “O—kay. So I guess that’s a firm ‘no.’ Not even on the cheek? Or her hand?”

Knox squirmed under Charlie’s gaze. “Shut up, Dalton. Just shut up.”

Charlie threw his arm around Knox’s shoulders. “Hey, look, Knox, I’m not mocking you. Not at all,” he replied in earnest. “Everyone’s got to have a first time, right?”

Knox refused to meet Charlie’s eyes; Charlie didn’t think he’d ever seen Knox look so miserable before. “I suppose you’ve kissed all the girls you’ve gone out with?”

“Yeah, I’ve kissed a few. The last one was Maisie Winters at yacht camp over the summer.”

Knox snorted his disbelief. “You kissed a girl at yacht camp?”

“It was a co-ed camp. Anyway, look, it doesn’t matter. If you want, I could give you some pointers.”

Knox’s face lit up and he finally met Charlie’s gaze. “Really? Pointers? That’d be great. Thanks!”

“Sure. And then you could try them out if you wanted.”

Just as quickly, Knox’s face fell. “Yeah, with who?”

Charlie spread his arms wide with a cocksure grin. “I can help.”

Knox’s jaw dropped. “What?”

“I’m willing to volunteer myself for the cause, if it means you’ll get to wow Chris at the party.”

“No way. Get serious, Dalton, we’re both guys, if we get caught –”

Charlie placed his hand over his heart. “I am offering you my experience here, Overstreet.”

Knox stared at Charlie. “That’s just crazy, even for you.”

Charlie simply shrugged. “Or, you know, you could just not impress her when the time comes. I don’t care.”

Knox shook his head, still hesitating. “I don’t know–”

Charlie grabbed Knox’s shoulders. “Knoxious. Don’t you want Chris to swoon in your arms?” he said with a surprising intensity. “She’s had boyfriends before. Don’t you want her to forget all about them – forget all about Chet – when she’s with you?”

Knox met Charlie’s gaze and nodded after a moment. “Yeah, you’re right. I want to make Chris swoon and forget anyone else.”

“That’s the spirit!”

They exchanged wide grins. Charlie scooted back beside Knox on the edge of his bed and leaned his head against the wall. “Let’s do this. I guarantee you won’t regret it.”

“So how do I start?” Knox asked.

Charlie looked up at the ceiling, tracing the fine cracks in the plaster with his eyes, and considered. “Well, first, she’s got to want to be kissed,” he started. “Don’t kiss a girl if she says no, or if she turns her head away if you try. Definitely don’t try to kiss her if she slaps you.” Charlie smiled wryly at that and rubbed his cheek.

Knox snorted back a laugh. “Okay.”

“Don’t be afraid to touch her cheek, or her jaw, or her ear, either. But the same thing applies, let her lead. If she doesn’t want it she’ll try to move away.”

“Okay, let her lead. Anything else?” Knox stared at him intently, as if he were memorizing everything Charlie said.

“You kinda want to lean in at an angle so you don’t bump noses. Close your eyes as you approach so you can focus. Aim for the corner of her mouth and then slide in to the centre until your lips are fully touching.”

“Lips touching, then…?”

“Then you just do what comes naturally. Move your lips around. Savour her smell and her taste. Some girls like only a light pressure, others will want to smash their mouths into yours. You won’t know until you’re actually kissing her, how she wants to be kissed.”

Knox’s brow furrowed, then smoothed as he mulled over Charlie’s advice. “I think I got it,” he said after a moment.

“Ready to try it out now?” Charlie asked brightly.

Knox’s eyes widened, and he took a deep breath. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Okay, so I’m Chris,” Charlie said. “I’m at the party sitting on the couch beside you. It’s dark, and you’re relaxed, and you want to kiss me, and I want you to kiss me. Go.”

Knox swallowed, nodded, and shifted on the bed covers until he was facing Charlie. Knox closed his eyes. “You’re Chris,” he repeated, sounding a little dreamy.

Charlie smirked at that and waited. Knox paused a split second, then reached up to cup Charlie’s jaw. His fingers were dry and calloused, but his touch was feather-light. He smoothed his thumb over Charlie’s cheek: hesitantly at first, then with more finesse as he grew used to the touch. Charlie briefly contemplated turning away, but decided that wouldn’t be fair. Knox was here to learn what kissing felt like, after all.

“You’re so beautiful,” Knox murmured. “You feel so nice.”

Whoa there. Charlie froze at the sheer depth of feeling in Knox’s words. He’s not talking to me, he thought firmly, he thinks he’s talking to Chris. That’s all.

But a growing part of him wasn’t listening to reason, either. Despite himself, he felt a rush of heat at the pit of his stomach.

Knox was caressing him properly now, his thumb sliding back and forth over his cheekbone slowly, even sensuously. “So nice,” he repeated.

Charlie’s eyes fluttered closed in reflex; his breath caught at the sheer gentleness of the touch. Despite his best efforts to control it, he began to tremble. He’s thinking I’m Chris, he reminded himself sternly, trying to rein in the pleasure starting to rush through his veins.

This isn’t supposed to happen, a small voice in the back of his mind hissed in warning. Knox hadn’t even leaned in yet, but the heat was still rising from Charlie’s core in waves, washing along his nerves. It was all Charlie could do to keep himself from jumping ahead and kissing him first.

Then he felt a puff of warm breath against his face, and Knox was slowly closing in. Knox was trembling too; he was close enough for Charlie to smell the mint toothpaste on his breath. His own lips parted in anticipation.

Knox landed on the corner of Charlie’s mouth, just as he’d instructed, and then slid over until his lips fully covered Charlie’s. They held for a brief second before Knox pressed a tiny bit closer. Charlie hummed in his throat, responding in kind.

They traded light, tentative kisses back and forth, and Knox even threaded his fingers through the hair at the back of Charlie’s neck. Charlie sighed against Knox’s mouth, his own hands reaching up to stroke Knox’s temples. God, but this felt _amazing_ —the warmth of Knox’s body around him, the earthy spice of his cologne, how utterly soft and full Knox’s lips felt under his own dry, chapped ones – 

They both jumped and pulled back when the first warning class bell rang.

“You’re going to be late for history, Knox,” someone—sounding like Meeks—called from behind the closed door.

 _Oh, shit._ Startled back to reality, Charlie’s eyes flew open. Knox was already twisting away from him, fully recovered and reaching for his stack of texts and notes sitting at the other side of the bed.

“Gotta go,” Knox said.

Charlie nodded dumbly, still halfway caught in the throes of what had just transpired.

“Thanks, Charlie, I think I’ve got it,” Knox added with a bright, wide smile, not even paying attention to Charlie’s current predicament. “Chris is gonna be so impressed on Friday.”

“Yeah,” Charlie said, struggling to regain his normal composure. “I bet she will.”

“I know she will. Hey, close the door behind you when you go, okay?” Knox called, bouncing out of his room. The warmth and air seemed to whoosh out of the room with him. 

Charlie sighed and leaned his head back against the wall, eyes squeezed shut. Damn it. He was pretty sure he’d just fallen, and fallen hard, for his best friend. 

His best friend, who was completely infatuated with someone else.

That was the last thing he’d meant to happen. 

What the hell was he going to do now?

With extreme effort, he forced his traitorous body to calm down, reluctantly pulling himself together enough to run to class himself. Still, he was loath to leave, wanting to immerse himself in Knox’s presence a little while longer.

He looked up at the rumble of footsteps down the hall outside. Neil ran by past the door, then came back and did a double-take. “Geez, Charlie, what are you doing here? Get a move on, you’re going to miss attendance.”

Shit. He was going to be late for chemistry now. And he still hadn’t got to look at Knox’s notes, so he was reasonably sure he’d fail this assignment, too. “Coming,” he said, and dragged himself out of the room.

At least, he remembered to shut the door when he left.

~~

Charlie spent the rest of the day in a half-fugue, unable to focus on anything other than the kiss with Knox that morning.

He slouched in his seat in every class, not paying attention to the teacher droning on about whatever subject was at hand. That didn’t seem anywhere near as important as what had just happened between him and Knox. But Charlie was at a loss as to what it meant.

What had happened, really? They’d kissed. That was it. True, they’d kissed for a few minutes, but it wasn’t like they’d gone any further than that, either.

So why did Charlie feel like they had?

And why did he feel shaken to the very core of his being by it? A damn kiss that was never supposed to mean anything?

And why _Knox Overstreet_ of all people? They’d been best friends since they were both six years old. They spent the school year together, they spent half of their summers together. Why suddenly a crush now, after all this time?

Why not, a small voice piped up. It’s not like you haven’t felt like this before.

Charlie blinked. When was that?

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Neil raise his hand to answer a question, and then it clicked. He thought back to last year, when they’d been roommates. A few times he’d caught himself admiring Neil’s physique: the slope of his shoulders as he studied at his desk, the angle of his neck as he looked up at the night sky, the long, lean muscles of his thigh and calf during soccer practice as he practised corner kicks. Sometimes he’d liked watching Neil; he remembered a little thrill course through him those times, accompanied by fleeting thoughts of what it might be like to reach out and touch – 

Yeah, okay. Point taken. He liked boys.

Especially Knox. Who he’d just kissed – 

Who was also besotted with Chris Noel and had no eyes for anything or anyone else. 

He was screwed, wasn’t he.

Knox, for his part, was more than cheerful about it. Hell, he didn’t even seem fazed at all that he’d kissed Charlie earlier that morning in his bedroom. That makes one of us, Charlie thought, a little envious as he watched Knox hold court in Keating’s classroom later that morning. Knox was positively beaming, chatting and laughing like he was on top of the world. Which he probably was. Charlie was glad he sat in the very back row in class, where he could slump out of sight.

Where he could enjoy himself surreptitiously watching Knox, too, though he’d be hard-pressed to admit it.

Most of the teachers seemed to ignore him; though in English, Keating shot him a look once or twice, the silent question clear on his face. But thankfully he didn’t call on him that day, so Charlie could ruminate in peace.

He tried to make himself scarce after English. He purposely missed lunch, not even stealing a sandwich from the kitchen; he sat in the corner of the study hall, head down, pretending to read the poem Keating assigned while the other boys collaborated on their homework. He didn’t care either, about the side-eyed glances the boys pointed his way, or the helpless, silent questions they traded between them.

Knox pulled him aside on the stairs to the dormitory after dinner. “Why so glum, Dalton? You didn’t eat anything at dinner. Not even the apple crumble and you love that. You okay?”

Charlie pasted on a smirk. “Yeah, of course I’m okay. Just a little tired. Too much studying. You know, the usual Hellton stuff.”

Knox peered at him, considering, and his face sobered. “Hey, look, if it’s about this morning--”

“Nothing to worry about,” Charlie said quickly, internally congratulating himself on how upbeat he sounded. “I’m just glad you feel up to going to your party tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Knox clapped his shoulder. “Thanks again, Charlie. You don’t know how much I appreciate your pointers for Chris. Can’t wait to use them for real.”

“Sure.” Charlie grinned, hoping it looked normal enough to put Knox at ease so that he’d buzz off and leave him alone. “Can’t wait to hear how you put them to good use.”

Knox climbed the remaining steps two at a time and rounded into the hall. Watching him from behind, even as he admired the view, Charlie gritted his teeth. Knox suspected nothing, so there was that, at least. Not that it would help.

There was no place in the dorm where he could even hope for privacy, he decided. He was going to have to tough it out until lights out. And then he knew exactly where to go, where he could think.

~~~

Charlie waited with growing impatience until Cameron was snoring into his pillow, about an hour after curfew; then he donned his coat and sneakers and secreted a flashlight in his pocket. He slipped out of his room and crept down the hall. The guard dog at the top of the stairs looked hopefully at him; duly Charlie scattered some treats on the floor and snuck past. Down the stairs and out the front entrance, he kept to the shadows so as not to draw attention.

He was so focused on his solitary escape that he did not notice the flutter of a curtain in an upstairs room in the teachers’ wing of the residence, nor did he notice the spectre of a figure moving behind it.

About thirty minutes later he reached the sanctuary of the cave on the other side of the stream. He stood at the threshold, peering around at the gloom for a moment. It felt much colder inside without the company of the other boys, but this was the only place he could think of where he could mull over what happened earlier without interruption.

Charlie entered, lit the large candle in the corner of the cave, and sat down on one of the rocks. The cold seeped through his coat and the seat of his trousers, and he shivered. The flame of the candle didn’t provide nearly as much heat or light as he wanted – 

What did he want?

He was Charles Dalton, scion of a family of great bankers, one of the wealthiest families on the East Coast. Nothing was out of reach for him – 

Except, apparently, his best friend. And wasn’t that the kicker. He never would have offered to help Knox if he’d known this would happen.

Charlie didn’t know how long he’d sat there in the flickering dark, staring blankly at the dripping walls and thinking of nothing, until he heard the rustle of leaves just outside the entrance. He rose and brandished the candle.

“Who’s there?” he called in a loud whisper.

“It’s me, Mr. Dalton.” Keating stood at the mouth of the cave and poked his head in.

“Oh, hello, Mr. Keating.” Charlie’s voice rose almost to a squeak as he stood to attention. At Keating’s raised eyebrow he quickly added, “Captain. What are you doing here?”

“I was going to ask the same of you. It’s well past curfew.”

“I know.”

“I’d like to come in if I may.”

Charlie nodded mutely and stepped back. Keating strode through, looking around.

“You’re the only one here?” he asked, sounding surprised. “That’s odd, I thought tonight was a group meeting.”

“Uhm, yeah,” Charlie replied. “We moved it to tomorrow. The others didn’t want to come tonight ‘cause it’s so cold. And I, uh, wanted to be alone for awhile to think.”

Keating nodded gravely. “Then I’ll be on my way.”

“No, please, sir – ” At Keating’s cocked head, Charlie clarified, “Please, Captain. I’d like it if you’d stay.”

“All right.” He looked around himself, then sat down opposite. Charlie set the candle down between them. Already it felt that little bit warmer with Keating’s presence.

“So why are you here, Captain?”

“Oh, I wanted to take a look at the old stomping grounds.”

But Charlie wasn’t fooled by the placid expression on Keating’s face. And Keating sounded far too casual. “You followed me,” Charlie said, trying and failing to keep the suspicion out of his voice.

“You’ve been brooding all day,” Keating confirmed. “That’s not like you, Mr. Dalton. I saw you sneak away from the school tonight and I wanted to make sure you were all right.”

“I’m fine. Really.”

Keating cocked his head. “People who are ‘fine’ generally don’t have to proclaim it.”

“I, uh –” Charlie fell silent, not knowing what to say.

“Did anything happen? An argument with your parents? A fight with one of the other boys?”

Charlie swallowed hard and avoided Keating’s quizzical look. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Keating leaned forward. “And you don’t have to, but I want you to know, if you did want to tell me, I’m here to listen, not to judge you.”

Charlie looked down at his lap, then up again; there was no hint of reproach, only concern. But Charlie well recognized that look, too; he couldn’t count how many times he’d been on the receiving end of it before. It was the one that said Keating was going to wait him out. He’d have no choice but to tell him sooner or later. 

Then he may as well get it over with. He drew in a sharp breath.

“I kissed Knox today.”

Charlie blinked, and sagged under the relief of his outburst. He avoided Keating’s sober gaze while Keating processed Charlie’s statement. “I see,” Keating said gently.

Charlie looked up at the lack of judgment in his teacher’s voice. “You’re—you’re not going to admonish me for it? Or report me to Nolan?”

Still contemplating, Keating leaned back, crossing his legs. “Of course not, Charlie,” he continued in the same quiet vein. “Remember, I’m here to listen, not to judge.”

The cave fell silent again; Charlie didn’t know what to say. Mr. Keating wasn’t like any of the other teachers at Hellton, but Charlie had been sure even Keating would disapprove of Charlie’s admission.

The silence stretched out between them, punctuated only by the guttering and hissing of the candle. Soon it became too loud for Charlie to bear, and he continued morosely, “I mean, I – Knox was pretty miserable ‘cause he’d never kissed a girl before, and I told him I could help teach him so he could kiss Chris properly at the party on Friday, and I gave him some pointers, and then– ”

He trailed off, realizing how stupid it sounded in hindsight. He’d been sure it had been a good idea at the time. He hadn’t meant to let it go this far. And he kicked himself mentally for revealing Knox’s plans for the party, too. Keating wouldn’t be able to let that go. Knox was gonna kill him once he learned who ratted him out.

“So how did it make you feel, Charlie?”

Huh. Keating wasn’t going to make an issue about the party? Keating really was on his side here. And hearing Mr. Keating repeat his first name gave him enough confidence to blurt out, “I’ve kissed a few girls before, and it was okay, it was fun. But with Knox it – I – it felt _good_ , Captain. It felt – _right_ to kiss him, you know? Like nothing else was before.”

His words seemed to echo around the near-empty cave, and his eyes stung at that. This was it, he thought. Keating was duty bound to report him to Nolan now. They all knew the rules about “fraternizing” at Hellton. He’d be lucky not to be expelled after tonight. He dropped his head in his hands.

“I’m sure it did,” Keating agreed.

Charlie looked up at that and rubbed his face with the back of his hand. “So I guess this means I should go pack my things,” he said hoarsely.

“No, son. Not at all.”

Charlie couldn’t stop his lower lip from quivering. “How can it not – ?”

“Mr. Dalton. Charlie,” Keating implored. “There’s nothing wrong with what you did. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel about it.”

“But I kissed another boy, Captain. And I think I want to do it again. I think I want to keep doing it.”

“And that happens for some of us. No one can force you to choose who you desire or love, nor should they.”

Charlie paused as the words sunk in. “You mean –?” he said, daring to feel hope.

“Some of the greatest writers in the English language loved women and men. Shakespeare, Shelley, Whitman, Wilde. You’ll see it when you read their work closely enough. You are in excellent company, son.”

“But isn’t poetry only written to woo women?”

Keating leaned in as if about to tell him a secret. “Between you and me, poetry is written to woo everyone, not just women.”

“I don’t think anyone else will see it that way.” Charlie sniffed at that as his incipient hope dashed away. 

Keating sighed his agreement. “For our supposedly advanced society, I’m afraid we’ve regressed in the most important matters of the heart. You’re right, most people won’t see it that way, at least, probably not in my lifetime. Though with luck, quite possibly they will in yours.”

“Do you think so?”

“I choose to believe so, yes.”

“Then what do I do in the meantime?”

Keating pulled back. “Be true to yourself and follow your heart wherever it leads you. Keeping in mind that sometimes your path will need to be more circumspect than most.”

“Thank you, Captain,” Charlie whispered.

“Any time.”

The silence that followed felt endlessly weightless compared to before. “Are you still thinking about Knox?” Keating asked presently.

Charlie shrugged. “He’s too wrapped around Chris’ little finger right now to care if I have a crush on him or not. And besides, he’s my best friend first. I’m not gonna wreck his chances with her.”

Keating nodded. “But I know it’s not impossible for me, now, either,” Charlie added, “even if it won’t be with Knox. And that really helps.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

A few minutes later, Keating rose, stifled a yawn, and brushed off his trousers.

“It’s very late. I’m heading back to the school, Mr. Dalton. I suggest you do so as well.”

“I think I’ll stay here a little while longer, Captain.”

Keating smiled. “All right, as you wish. Just be back before the two AM bed-check.”

“I will.”

Keating smiled at him again, then exited the cave. Listening to Keating’s footsteps fade in the brush, Charlie wondered if Keating had felt the same kind of yearning about another man at some point in his life. He certainly sounded like he understood it intimately.

Or maybe Keating hadn’t experienced it himself, but Charlie could take comfort in knowing he wasn’t alone. There was at least one person in his life who supported him in this without question. And that, he supposed, made the difference.

Besides, keeping the same company as Shakespeare and Uncle Walt himself? How cool was that? His delighted, if bemused, laughter echoed round the cave. He then stood up and blew out the candle; it was time to go back and get some sleep himself. Tomorrow was Knox’s party, after all. And also the Society meeting. He definitely wanted to be awake for that. He traipsed out the cave and through the dark, towards the waiting hall.


End file.
